Hello Dear Readers,
I know I have very few of you right now, and hope with the project which I am proposing, I will be able to attract more readership. I’ve always had a mentality of the glass is shattered shards laying on the ground. It’s not half full, nor is it half empty, it’s just shards laying everywhere on the floor so any step forward or backwards would just cause you to leave a trail of blood, therefore you’re paralyzed and stuck. I’ve felt this way due to living in Joliet,IL most of my adult life. This town is an absolute shit hole and there is a reason why so many famous people do not look back into this town, including Thom Thayer of the Chicago Bears, or Anthony Rapp an actor from Rent. Lionel Richie doesn’t even mention he graduated from Joliet East High School.
This town is an embarrassment to humanity as the only real industry we have that can provide a real livable wage is the one hospital in town, the one power plant in town, or the two high schools. As most people know even school teachers are not paid enough to be an actual living wage after all the supplies they end up paying for out of their own pocket just to make the teaching experience a productive one in the classroom. If you don’t work for the city, you end up working minimum wage making barely enough to support your family, but to much to get any type of assistance. But enough on this shithole that doesn’t even deserve to be a city anymore, and should just be sucked in and merged to Chicago proper, along with the rest of these worthless bedroom community suburbs.
I’ve decided, I will make my life better, every single day! You my readers will be able to chart my progress as I write a no holds barred daily diary on how I will make sure “It get’s better” The mental struggles as I get a better body, a better health, and a better education and professional career that is capable of supporting a family. I have a husband whom I love dearly, but right now I’m to paralyzed by the shards of glass on the ground. I need to channel my inner Diva, stand on my own, and walk on broken glass. Annie Lenox says that the one who abandons you is the one who causes the wreckage of broken glass. Madonna says the one who inflicts the pain can take it away. Those are both qualities of someone who is co-dependant relying on someone who hurt me to make me feel better. To many people in Joliet have caused me pain, telling me that if I would just be straight they would quit harassing me, beating me up, or otherwise making me hate humanity. I know these people will never change, but as long as the only thing I see every day are the ghosts of the pain I’ve been caused I will never be able to move forward.
I love my husband with all my heart, but right now, I want to grab a handful of his sexy red hair, and bash his face into the dining room table over and over until he quits arguing with me and realizes I’m right on every topic I even bother to talk about. I normally don’t like to talk to him because it avoids conflict, so the only time we talk is when I want sex, which is often, but he doesn’t want sex. This angers me deeply. My entire identity if wrapped around which gender I’m sexually attracted to, which gender I want to dance with, which gender I want to have sex with. I took black eyes, broken noses, jaw, shoulders, knee caps, legs and ribs to stand up for my right to have sex with another man, and now I feel that work was useless and I could have just “been straight” and made it go away instead of fighting.
Now that I’m in a sexless marriage. I could have married a woman, denied who I am for most of my life and occasionally cheated on the wife with a man to feel fulfilled and still gotten more action than I’m getting from my husband. I feel that if he can’t love me, and make love to me when I’m at my worst, and feel the ugliest, and struggle every single day with deciding if I should kill myself, if I should flush all my blood pressure and diabetic pills and sit and gorge myself on candy until I go into a diabetic coma or my heart will explode from blood pressure overload. I feel ugly and depressed and don’t feel like life is worth living, because if the person who is the center of my universe can’t show affection towards me, I must be hideous and ugly and not worth breathing. I don’t think these thoughts daily, I think them every other minute of every single day. These thoughts wake me from sleep, make it impossible to sleep when I’m trying to go to sleep. These thoughts distract me from doing school work, house work, or even actual work. I am consumed every moment of every day feeling ugly, feeling like I made the wrong choice in marrying a man, and maybe I really should have faked a straight marriage, there may be the same amount of sex (none) but at least I would feel some affection, some empathy…something so I didn’t want to blow my brains out or poison myself.
IN ONE YEAR MY GOAL IS: To be 100+lbs lighter, To Finish 48 credit hours of college education as I have continued to fall behind every single semester, and barely scrape by on keeping my financial aid. Which I must improve so that I may graduate without running out of aid. I also want to be mentally happier as a person. I want to quit fighting with my husband, but I’m also hoping distance makes the heart grow fonder even though I will only be 45 miles from him. I hope it works, and I hope you read the journey with me!.
Categorised as: Uncategorized