There are moments in your life where you feel you’ve given it your all, Where you’ve done everything you ever could over and over. Made every attempt to find solutions to the brick walls often presented in front of you, only to continuously find another barrier in your way. This has been my problem, repeatedly as I struggle on a daily basis with depression. The only thing that’s ever kept me going every day of my life has been the feeling of obligation to other people in my life because of the love and compassion I have towards those people in my life.
I am repulsed most days by the thought of eating as nothing really sounds good to eat anymore as my thought process is very vivid, visual and fast. I get overwhelmed by the steps required not only to clean my house to even be able to prepare meals, but then to be able to prepare a meal that I start to freak out and have a panic attack. I end up having 2-3 panic attacks a day that end up causing me to just hide for hours on end in my bedroom. Maybe as I’ve finally started to discuss these problems with counselors, therapists and professionals in my attempt to become more human and not be such an asshole and a bitch to people I’ve made myself so weak that I now can’t function as a human being anymore.
I used to find strength in the pain of others. I was titanium and I could with stand anything directed towards me. I would redirect the hatred towards me right back to it’s origin as a way to fuel my success. It worked great most of the time, allowed me to learn computers, to learn,read, and get lost in technology at the time when things were growing at a fast pace. Even my husband who was behind me technology wise has surpassed my own skill level.
In 1994 I created DjDynasty1984 as a username on AOL, and IRC, It’s had many things attached to it over the years. In 1995 I purchased DjDynasty.com the first of many domain names I would add to my portfolio over the years. Some I’ve kept, some I’ve let drop and die. This is back when domain names cost $100 a year. The following year I had a sub folder featuring a web design company idea I had come up with that I thought was amazing called Webatory, except some asshole corporation in Portland,OR stole the whole website, lock stock and barrel, using FrontPage’s Site Import Feature. They had the money to incorporate and copyright I couldn’t do anything except change the name and create a new domain name. Webology.com was already taken, So I grabbed Webology.net as by 1996 I was already focusing more on Windows NT Networking and programming for the Y2K bug than webdesign. At the time when I registered the domain name you were able to register for 10 years, and I registered it for 10 years, when the renewal came up, you could renew for 100 years, and I did. In fact All of the Webology, and DjDynasty names in the portfolio are protected until the year 2100 long after I will be alive on this planet and are protected in my will.
While I was working for another company that I left in 2010 another large purchase of domain names in my portfolio was made, including thebettenhausens.com which is my families e-mail/calandar (there are a lot of us, and it’s hosted by google apps) as well as tupperqueer.com and brianbettenhausen.com which both pointed to my sad attempt at being a Tupperware sales rep when I left the field of IT because of the full time day needs of my mothers failing health around the same time my mental health took a nose dive. Even in that process only 6 people ever ordered Tupperware from me right away in the beginning when I first started, and I’ve been begging for orders ever since, and basically been ordering the stuff I want for my own kitchen at Sample/Wholesale cost ever since because no one seems to want me in their house, or has the time to do it. They all say it sounds like a great idea, but they’re just as poor as I am. In Fact 99% of my “sales” if you can call them that have been my mother in law purchasing the items at cost from my husband who’s been using my login to place the orders for her. I keep telling him he should become a rep to sell to her, and the rest of his family since his family all likes Tupperware, they just hate me because “I made him gay” and they won’t buy anything from me because they don’t want me to make any commission in anyway, and gossip the way White Trash (Think Fred Phelps) do to steer the rest of their toothless hick friends away from buying anything from either of us.
I always knew I had an abrasive personality, Sometimes I even knew I would say things so mean to people just to say them for pure shock factor, other times just to make them upset. I shouldn’t have done that, but looking back I felt that if I kept people far enough away from me they couldn’t get close enough to hurt me. I felt everyone would eventually hurt me. I don’t like confrontations at all which surprises most people who know me that read this because I can be such a royal bitch. But in situations where I’m confronted and I have done something wrong, a bad paper at school, did an assignment at work incorrectly, why isn’t this project done as fast as we’d like it done, even when the time line I gave hasn’t passed in the first place and I’m running a head of my own schedule. These give me anxiety attacks. I know they shouldn’t make me upset but they do. Because confrontational anxiety attacks give me the shakes, and make it hard for me to concentrate and then make me panic more. It’s a downward spiral that can go out of control quickly to nail biting to the point my nails are bleeding and computer keyboards are covered in blood.
I’m easily at a loss for words when I’m upset which is why this post has taken me nearly 12 hours to complete. One of the longest of the posts I’ve done on this site since I redesigned it to use WordPress so that I could update posts from my CellPhone/iPad.