It Get's Better-ish

Merry Christmas, and Fuck you DreamHost! —

It seems every year with the “long nights” in the Winter, I end up doing the most major updates to my sites, such as changing the theme, or even changing the provider. If you’re reading this post. You are reading the newest version of my website now hosted at I have left Dreamhost behind, and find them to be bullshit and not worth my time. They charge 9.95 a month for outsourced india tech support, otherwise you’re on your own.

City Council, A place where everybody knows your name. —

In the 33 years I’ve lived in Joliet, IL I never in my life thought I would walk into a Joliet City Council meeting, and everyone there would know who I am! Yesterday May 6th 2013 was the special ceremony to swear in James McFarland for Joliet City Council. He has pushed for changing Joliet for a very long time, and while some people do feel he’s two faced, He is a politician after all and this just goes with the territory of not being able to please all the people all the time.

‘Bout Life and Love as old Friends do. —

Picture it, Chicago 2004 in a bar called Roscoes, a cabaret diva by the name of Amy Armstrong accompanied by Freddy Allen is on stage playing the piano. The bar air is thick with smoke, and all my friends are there to meet me. The week prior I just had to admit my mom into the hospital where she was with ICU at that time and the outlook didn’t look good. Walking into the bar that evening I got a phone call from someone telling me that they wouldn’t be able to come help me sort the baggage out because they had their own baggage, just finding out that they had HIV.



A late update —

So here I am August 10th, Sitting at Union Station in Chicago getting ready to depart for Washington DC for 10 days. I’m very excited for my vacation. I was dropped off 6 hours early by my very eager to get rid of me husband. I’m not happy about that as he doesn’t seem to love me at all. My room mate and I don’t see eye to eye on much of anything, So I’m pretty sure we won’t be living together much longer. We’re best friends, but living together just doesn’t seem like an option. I got to help a couple Japanese girls use a phone in America for the first time, the payphone wouldn’t work, So I handed them my iPhone. The number their supposed ride gave them doesn’t seem to work and I feel bad for them being abandoned here in America by someone. I told them they could download Skype on their phone and use Skype over Wifi to call their friend since they needed to find another method of contact. I do feel genuinely bad for them. Ahh well. Only 4 more hours until I board my train! I’ll go outside and chain smoke since I got a bit of a surface charge on my devices. On the bright side right after I hit publish, the girls came over to ask me a question to translate the sentence for them, and their friend called back. I guess it was the right number after all.

The Journey Has began —

If I ever did anything right on time, my personal friends would be shocked. I promised a post on June 1st and here I am, 11 days late! Being in Chicago has been an adventure to say the least. I have an app that tells me how much I should be eating, I ignore it most days which is counter productive. As of right now I haven’t even started doing P90x  because my endurance sucks. I’ve started with walking every single day of my life. I don’t have a choice, I live in Chicago if I want to go anywhere, I have to walk, and walk a lot! I get in 2-3 miles a day, without even trying, most of it, is walking from one coffee house to another while I search for a job in the city that’s full time. I’ve found a part time job teaching people how to use a computer, and how to build a computer but it’s only 8-12 hours a week depending on the class load that week. If at least 3 people don’t sign up and pay for a class, I don’t work that day, and get told to go home :-(


None the less it’s been a pretty slow start, but an amazingly fun start to say the least.

Goodbye Joliet, Hello Opportunity! —

As I sit here, on the eve of the last day of ever living in Joliet ever again, I am reminded of the 33 years of pure hell this city has given me, by bullying me, and telling me not only what I should do in my bedroom, but my own house. While I don’t have many good memories of this city, I do have good memories of some of the angels who have come to my rescue when I was down.  Some have been mentioned on this blog before, some have not. I have already thanked them on my personal Facebook page for everything they have meant to me in my life.
But I will take the opportunity again to thank my husband. He’s proven to me I didn’t have to travel the universe to find the one, I just had to look in my back yard. But I did have to travel the country to fight for love.

Saying Googbye to the Ghosts —

This is the beginning of the path of walking across the path of broken glass. So many things in our past define who we are as people. Some of us choose to block things out as if they never happened, but the only way to ever truly move forward, is to face those ghosts. I was 10 years old with the F5 Tornado stuck Plainfield, Crest Hill, and my Subdivision, hitting nearly every house, except mine. For years continuing paranoia that I was not injured or hurt in those storms, but instead hurt by other humans threw vicious hate convinced me, that I was supposed to die then, and I dodged a bullet. I otherwise was intended to suffer the rest of my life because I didn’t die when I was supposed to. I am writing this while sitting in the Joliet Public Library reading a book called Winds of Fury the Will County Tornado August 28th 1990, this is after reading all the newspaper coverage of the same Tornado. I needed to see these peoples families and devastation one more time, to remind myself that I was lucky, not cursed. I s4urvived the tornado, and I survived Joliet. I’m finally getting out, I can taste it, feel it. Every cell of my body is so excited about this move and change that I can’t even begin to describe how happy I am becoming over this change.

It was a insanely hot Tuesday and for Joliet public grade schools, it was our first day of school. It was so hot and humid in the school that didn’t have air conditioning, I was ready to faint. We got out at noon, and it was my birthday. My mom picked me up from school holding a Mega Man game out to me as I ran to the car. I went home and played the video game while she finished making the food for my birthday party dinner which was supposed to be around 4:00PM that day. Instead, the sirens almost went on for a whole 8 second before they sounded like someone cut the power to them as they whined down to nothing. It got cold, very windy, the trees in my backyard were U shaped dipping over the fence into the neighbors yard. I grabbed my most prized possession, my Nintendo and dashed for the basement. This marked the first, of a tradition that happened for most of my life at this house anytime the sky got dark until we moved to a ranch with no basement. The destruction was seen even at my house 3 miles away from the path of the Tornado, as we were picking insulation out of my pool the next day, and pieces of siding was on our roof that didn’t match any houses in the neighborhood. My favorite was the pairs of shoes you saw all over the power lines in the vicinity of the tornado.

I am now in my grandparents house, the only house without damage, where I was supposed to be around 4:00PM. I have been terrified to live here for years, scared to unpack any of my things, housing most of the things I consider precious in bank vaults and climate controlled off site storage. Every house plan I’ve ever looked into to build a house includes building 2 sides of the house into a side of the hill so that I may be safe, and have lower utilities. Even now as I move to Chicago, I wanted a garden apartment because I’m so afraid of Tornados. I feel that the only way to truly blossom is to work in baby steps away from this fear.

I want to dedicate this post to Ryan R. Glaser who would have been 16 years old on September 27th 1990. He was walking delivering the evening edition of the Joliet Herald News, and none of his customers were willing to allow him into the house to take cover. Proof that the newspaper industry for as long as it has existed, has shit on everyone, except the shareholders.

The people who died in this tornado were students and teachers; young and old. They were quietly at home; they were hard at work. They only shared one common thread — they were innocent victims of one of nature’s cruelest works. Their lives ended in the storm that rolled in on Tuesday August 28th 1990, but they will live on in the memories of family, friends, and in the way we each live our lives since the winds have shown us how fragile life really is.


One thing is for sure, these pictures still choke me up, looking at, as someone in the library walked up and handed me a tissue. Maybe the people of Joliet aren’t as bad as I’ve always believed, and maybe monkeys might fly out of my ass.

I’m making it better, A New Project starting June 1st. —

Hello Dear Readers,

I know I have very few of you right now, and hope with the project which I am proposing, I will be able to attract more readership. I’ve always had a mentality of the glass is shattered shards laying on the ground. It’s not half full, nor is it half empty, it’s just shards laying everywhere on the floor so any step forward or backwards would just cause you to leave a trail of blood, therefore you’re paralyzed and stuck. I’ve felt this way due to living in Joliet,IL most of my adult life. This town is an absolute shit hole and there is a reason why so many famous people do not look back into this town, including Thom Thayer of the Chicago Bears, or Anthony Rapp an actor from Rent. Lionel Richie doesn’t even mention he graduated from Joliet East High School.

This town is an embarrassment to humanity as the only real industry we have that can provide a real livable wage is the one hospital in town, the one power plant in town, or the two high schools. As most people know even school teachers are not paid enough to be an actual living wage after all the supplies they end up paying for out of their own pocket just to make the teaching experience a productive one in the classroom. If you don’t work for the city, you end up working minimum wage making barely enough to support your family, but to much to get any type of assistance. But enough on this shithole that doesn’t even deserve to be a city anymore, and should just be sucked in and merged to Chicago proper, along with the rest of these worthless bedroom community suburbs.


I’ve decided, I will make my life better, every single day! You my readers will be able to chart my progress as I write a no holds barred daily diary on how I will make sure “It get’s better” The mental struggles as I get a better body, a better health, and a better education and professional career that is capable of supporting a family. I have a husband whom I love dearly, but right now I’m to paralyzed by the shards of glass on the ground. I need to channel my inner Diva, stand on my own, and walk on broken glass. Annie Lenox says that the one who abandons you is the one who causes the wreckage of broken glass. Madonna says the one who inflicts the pain can take it away. Those are both qualities of someone who is co-dependant relying on someone who hurt me to make me feel better. To many people in Joliet have caused me pain, telling me that if I would just be straight they would quit harassing me, beating me up, or otherwise making me hate humanity. I know these people will never change, but as long as the only thing I see every day are the ghosts of the pain I’ve been caused I will never be able to move forward.

I love my husband with all my heart, but right now, I want to grab a handful of his sexy red hair, and bash his face into the dining room table over and over until he quits arguing with me and realizes I’m right on every topic I even bother to talk about. I normally don’t like to talk to him because it avoids conflict, so the only time we talk is when I want sex, which is often, but he doesn’t want sex. This angers me deeply. My entire identity if wrapped around which gender I’m sexually attracted to, which gender I want to dance with, which gender I want to have sex with. I took black eyes, broken noses, jaw, shoulders, knee caps, legs and ribs to stand up for my right to have sex with another man, and now I feel that work was useless and I could have just “been straight” and made it go away instead of fighting.

Now that I’m in a sexless marriage. I could have married a woman, denied who I am for most of my life and occasionally cheated on the wife with a man to feel fulfilled and still gotten more action than I’m getting from my husband. I feel that if he can’t love me, and make love to me when I’m at my worst, and feel the ugliest, and struggle every single day with deciding if I should kill myself, if I should flush all my blood pressure and diabetic pills and sit and gorge myself on candy until I go into a diabetic coma or my heart will explode from blood pressure overload.  I feel ugly and depressed and don’t feel like life is worth living, because if the person who is the center of my universe can’t show affection towards me, I must be hideous and ugly and not worth breathing. I don’t think these thoughts daily, I think them every other minute of every single day. These thoughts wake me from sleep, make it impossible to sleep when I’m trying to go to sleep. These thoughts distract me from doing school work, house work, or even actual work. I am consumed every moment of every day feeling ugly, feeling like I made the wrong choice in marrying a man, and maybe I really should have faked a straight marriage, there may be the same amount of sex (none) but at least I would feel some affection, some empathy…something so I didn’t want to blow my brains out or poison myself.


IN ONE YEAR MY GOAL IS: To be 100+lbs lighter, To Finish 48 credit hours of college education as I have continued to fall behind every single semester, and barely scrape by on keeping my financial aid. Which I must improve so that I may graduate without running out of aid. I also want to be mentally happier as a person. I want to quit fighting with my husband, but I’m also hoping distance makes the heart grow fonder even though I will only be 45 miles from him. I hope it works, and I hope you read the journey with me!.

Everyone needs some time on their own —

They say you can’t go home, but I myself and several of my friends have returned home after traveling the country, and the world in search of fame, fortune, knowledge and love.

I was lucky that I never had to leave my hometown to find love. So when I went to venture out into the world, I already had a traveling companion.The journey becomes a lot more amazing when you have someone there by your side from your same background to point out some of the things you tend to miss as well. It becomes a situation of two bodies sharing one soul.

I’m not going to even begin to sugar coat it that we’re like peas and carrots, or the perfect relationship. In fact most days Fire Crotch tends to make me explode like a can of Aqua Net. That’s after I’ve had my coffee and become nice to the human race which most days doesn’t happen quick enough as I’m normally woken by a phone call each morning, which thankfully isn’t from him.

But after 15 years both of us are starting to regret this long journey we’ve taken together. While good times do happen, they don’t tend to happen often enough or last long enough. My life in the past 9 years has been filled with nothing but headache, heart ache, and medical miracles dealing with my family. This has caused a lot of tension for both of us, as I’m fed up with dealing with said family member, but he isn’t, he’s fed up with me refusing to deal with said family member whom I want to put in a nursing home and change my number.

The best way for people to understand, is to know that my house is divided. I rule everything that occurs on the far North side of the house, the other family member rules what happens on the south side of the house. The problem is the only entrances are on the South side of the house. Every day coming or going into the house, I hear the “Where you going, what are you doing, when will you be back?” questions that drive me, someone with very severe ADHD very crazy! I’ve asked this person to stop, pointing out my partner never get’s the same questions, and also pointed out just how much I hate dealing with this crap. Now these are the questions to leave the house, when I come home I normally get bitched at for trying to leave quickly.

Luckily for me one of my best friends has decided to move back to Chicago, So in mid May of 2013 I will be living most of my life in Chicago with said room mate who is a fitness junkie who has swore to make me thin and sexy with a beach body. I have decided to record all the struggles on a day to day basis starting June 1st 2013 and running until the lease ends on May 31st 2014.

Most of all, I finally will have some time alone.