Everyone has that moment in time that they can point to when they feel Christmas changed. For some people it’s when they found out Santa Claus didn’t exist, for other people it’s when they moved away from home for college.
For me however Christmas quit being Christmas when my mom got to sick that we couldn’t decorate the house with the village or home made ornaments she made.
It’s when the medical equipment took over my life and I didn’t have room to have a full Christmas dinner anymore. It was sometime in the last 10 years that Christmas had lost it’s magic for me. That I even quit wrapping presents all together for those who I would give them to, and instead just handed them to people. Days, weeks and even months ahead of Christmas.
They say that Christmas is the most depressing time of year and for me it was always filled with anxiety attacks of dealing with my dads family, and now depression that they are all gone. The only family I have left is my mother and I sometimes wonder if I’m a bad person for not pulling the plug when she first got sick 10 years ago. She’s had absolutely no quality of life since she has
passed away gotten sick. Yes. She’s a shell of her former self. The strongest most stubborn brilliant person ever in my life who could go toe to toe with people with PhD and be smarter than them on every subject.
Now she has shakes, and is loopy. It hurts me to even be in the same room with her. Most days I think I hang on long enough to see her either get better, or pass away. I think it’s cruel that I feel this way. I think it’s horrible that she may never come home again, and never see her animals that she loved so much.
I wish things would improve, it’s one of the few times a year I go to church because I want to have some semblance of normal.
There are moments in your life where you feel you’ve given it your all, Where you’ve done everything you ever could over and over. Made every attempt to find solutions to the brick walls often presented in front of you, only to continuously find another barrier in your way. This has been my problem, repeatedly as I struggle on a daily basis with depression. The only thing that’s ever kept me going every day of my life has been the feeling of obligation to other people in my life because of the love and compassion I have towards those people in my life.
I am repulsed most days by the thought of eating as nothing really sounds good to eat anymore as my thought process is very vivid, visual and fast. I get overwhelmed by the steps required not only to clean my house to even be able to prepare meals, but then to be able to prepare a meal that I start to freak out and have a panic attack. I end up having 2-3 panic attacks a day that end up causing me to just hide for hours on end in my bedroom. Maybe as I’ve finally started to discuss these problems with counselors, therapists and professionals in my attempt to become more human and not be such an asshole and a bitch to people I’ve made myself so weak that I now can’t function as a human being anymore.
I used to find strength in the pain of others. I was titanium and I could with stand anything directed towards me. I would redirect the hatred towards me right back to it’s origin as a way to fuel my success. It worked great most of the time, allowed me to learn computers, to learn,read, and get lost in technology at the time when things were growing at a fast pace. Even my husband who was behind me technology wise has surpassed my own skill level.
In 1994 I created DjDynasty1984 as a username on AOL, and IRC, It’s had many things attached to it over the years. In 1995 I purchased DjDynasty.com the first of many domain names I would add to my portfolio over the years. Some I’ve kept, some I’ve let drop and die. This is back when domain names cost $100 a year. The following year I had a sub folder featuring a web design company idea I had come up with that I thought was amazing called Webatory, except some asshole corporation in Portland,OR stole the whole website, lock stock and barrel, using FrontPage’s Site Import Feature. They had the money to incorporate and copyright I couldn’t do anything except change the name and create a new domain name. Webology.com was already taken, So I grabbed Webology.net as by 1996 I was already focusing more on Windows NT Networking and programming for the Y2K bug than webdesign. At the time when I registered the domain name you were able to register for 10 years, and I registered it for 10 years, when the renewal came up, you could renew for 100 years, and I did. In fact All of the Webology, and DjDynasty names in the portfolio are protected until the year 2100 long after I will be alive on this planet and are protected in my will.
While I was working for another company that I left in 2010 another large purchase of domain names in my portfolio was made, including thebettenhausens.com which is my families e-mail/calandar (there are a lot of us, and it’s hosted by google apps) as well as tupperqueer.com and brianbettenhausen.com which both pointed to my sad attempt at being a Tupperware sales rep when I left the field of IT because of the full time day needs of my mothers failing health around the same time my mental health took a nose dive. Even in that process only 6 people ever ordered Tupperware from me right away in the beginning when I first started, and I’ve been begging for orders ever since, and basically been ordering the stuff I want for my own kitchen at Sample/Wholesale cost ever since because no one seems to want me in their house, or has the time to do it. They all say it sounds like a great idea, but they’re just as poor as I am. In Fact 99% of my “sales” if you can call them that have been my mother in law purchasing the items at cost from my husband who’s been using my login to place the orders for her. I keep telling him he should become a rep to sell to her, and the rest of his family since his family all likes Tupperware, they just hate me because “I made him gay” and they won’t buy anything from me because they don’t want me to make any commission in anyway, and gossip the way White Trash (Think Fred Phelps) do to steer the rest of their toothless hick friends away from buying anything from either of us.
I always knew I had an abrasive personality, Sometimes I even knew I would say things so mean to people just to say them for pure shock factor, other times just to make them upset. I shouldn’t have done that, but looking back I felt that if I kept people far enough away from me they couldn’t get close enough to hurt me. I felt everyone would eventually hurt me. I don’t like confrontations at all which surprises most people who know me that read this because I can be such a royal bitch. But in situations where I’m confronted and I have done something wrong, a bad paper at school, did an assignment at work incorrectly, why isn’t this project done as fast as we’d like it done, even when the time line I gave hasn’t passed in the first place and I’m running a head of my own schedule. These give me anxiety attacks. I know they shouldn’t make me upset but they do. Because confrontational anxiety attacks give me the shakes, and make it hard for me to concentrate and then make me panic more. It’s a downward spiral that can go out of control quickly to nail biting to the point my nails are bleeding and computer keyboards are covered in blood.
I’m easily at a loss for words when I’m upset which is why this post has taken me nearly 12 hours to complete. One of the longest of the posts I’ve done on this site since I redesigned it to use WordPress so that I could update posts from my CellPhone/iPad.
Sometimes inspiration comes from the weirdest places. With the Trevor project it was inspired to prevent teen suicides of teens dealing with bullying. I know that bullying can affect someone long after those hurtful words are said, long after the person who said them is dead and gone.
I personally struggle with words said to me by my father over 20 years ago. In many ways I’m exactly like him and in other distinct ways I’ve made the conscious choice to do the exact opposite of what he would do. As a result I’m a perfectionist who dreams big, plans big, sets up big fail safe plans. And uses someone else’s hard work ethic for physical labor to implement it.
I am very thankful my husband has my fathers work ethic for hard labor because I prefer to work hard with my mind than my body. I’ve become out of shape and disabled due to nurturing those strengths and ignoring my weakness. You give me something technical or logical to figure out and I’m usually the first with a working plan for a solution, and in the case of working on computers by hand I normally fix it myself. I’ve done my own patch panels, crawled around on floors and built RJ-45 jacks, designed large networks from the ground up with no documentation or notes except in my own head. I’m learning now as I return to school I practiced no separation of duties nor have I ever properly documented anything for the IT staff to come behind me.
I look to change that professionally should I ever return to the workforce in the same administrative level I once had. I’ve found Microsoft OneNote and oneDrive to be amazing in allowing me to have notebooks synced on the cloud. Detailed notes on everything I handle and cover. From household expenses, repairs of the car, parts purchased etc I now document everything. It only took 4 years of practice, a lot of passion and an amazing product!
Kisses are blessings you offer your lover. Wherever you place your mouth on your partner’s body, your love consecrates that space and your breath blesses the flesh…You gotta dance like no one’s looking and love like you’ve never been hurt.” We’re really not that different…. me and you. “If blondes are angels fallen from heaven, then I’m the devil that’s risen from below, now who would you rather play with?
Well, this guy Acethy from AOL who I’ve been talking to for over a year, Who’s followed me through my many screen names and has become very persistent to meet me, finally called and I met him today around 4:00. He came over to my house, and when I first answered the door, I was like “I know you” turns out him and I went to high school together and he knew I was gay (duh, everyone did) but I didn’t know he was gay. Anyways it was instant love. I think the best way to describe it was falling in love with a Beautiful stranger. Since the folks were home, we quickly disappeared up to my bedroom and made some small talk. Up until I met Kieth I was always a bottom because I just couldn’t get off as a top, I could get hard, just couldn’t finish off. And he asked me if I was a top, and I told him the truth, so he told me that I’m still a virgin. He sat on my bed, and I sat at my desk playing games on the computer while we talked. We talked about the computer. About how he had a relationship with this guy Victor for 4 years. Before he moved out when he turned 18 to live with this guy in West Chicago. Told me where he used to work. He had a girlfriend for a couple months, they were engaged to be married but he found out she cheated on him and was willing to give her another chance but she called it off. So he figured it would be better that way since he was starting to figure out he’s gay. I went and sat next to him on the bed, and asked him if he was a top, he said no, he likes being a bottom. And I groaned and thought to myself “Oh Shit” And told him “What are we going to do in bed? decorate!” he laughed and said “Well you should know as well as me it just feels better that way” I agreed, then there was the unpleasant silence, neither of us knowing what to say, So I leaned over and kissed him and put one hand behind his head, and the other on his chest. He responded, kissed me back, and laid me down, and laid on top if me and started kissing me passionately and started kissing my neck and ears. He took his shirt off, and I started rubbing his back as he sucked on my neck. Then he took my shirt off, and started kissing his way down my chest, and he unbuttoned my pants and started sucking on my already hard cock. Never in my life have I ever had a blowjob so good in my life, then again, I haven’t been around that long. It was so good I almost came in his mouth instantly. He then got off me, and pulled my pants off, and then took his pants off, but left his underwear on. He got back on me and started kissing me again, this time as he kissed me, he did it so well, and with so much passion, I couldn’t help but rip his underwear off. He looked at me and laughed, and asked me if I wanted to fuck him. I looked down at his hard cock and told him with a dick that big, it would be such a waste to be a bottom, so he rolled me over and fucked me bareback. It hurt at first because it was so large. I just bit my lip, spread my ass and told him to drive it home. And that’s exactly what he did, he fucked me like he had never fucked anyone before in his life… fast and steady, never slowing down. Then finally his breaths were getting shorter and he started fucking harder and harder, finally he drove it in one last time and shot his load in me, and it was a lot of cum, he knew if he pulled out right away with his dick hard there would be a vacuum and his cum would be everywhere, and I told him I wanted him in me as long as possible, So he reached and grabbed the blanket off the floor and covered us both up, wrapped his arms around me and started kissing my neck again. He told me he only cums in people that he loves. I felt honored. I told him that I’m falling in love with him to. We cuddled like that for about an hour. Then he said he had to get home quick or his sister would lock him out of the house, So we both got dressed quickly, and I gave him a pair of tiger print gray satin bikini briefs to wear. We ran down stairs and I got the car key’s and drove him home with my learner’s permit. Before he got out of the car, he told me he loved me, and wanted to see me some more. I said that would be great. As I drove home I was hoping that this wouldn’t be a one night stand.
Testing the mobile app 5/31/2014
It seems every year with the “long nights” in the Winter, I end up doing the most major updates to my sites, such as changing the theme, or even changing the provider. If you’re reading this post. You are reading the newest version of my website now hosted at GoDaddy.com I have left Dreamhost behind, and find them to be bullshit and not worth my time. They charge 9.95 a month for outsourced india tech support, otherwise you’re on your own.
In the 33 years I’ve lived in Joliet, IL I never in my life thought I would walk into a Joliet City Council meeting, and everyone there would know who I am! Yesterday May 6th 2013 was the special ceremony to swear in James McFarland for Joliet City Council. He has pushed for changing Joliet for a very long time, and while some people do feel he’s two faced, He is a politician after all and this just goes with the territory of not being able to please all the people all the time.
Picture it, Chicago 2004 in a bar called Roscoes, a cabaret diva by the name of Amy Armstrong accompanied by Freddy Allen is on stage playing the piano. The bar air is thick with smoke, and all my friends are there to meet me. The week prior I just had to admit my mom into the hospital where she was with ICU at that time and the outlook didn’t look good. Walking into the bar that evening I got a phone call from someone telling me that they wouldn’t be able to come help me sort the baggage out because they had their own baggage, just finding out that they had HIV.
So here I am August 10th, Sitting at Union Station in Chicago getting ready to depart for Washington DC for 10 days. I’m very excited for my vacation. I was dropped off 6 hours early by my very eager to get rid of me husband. I’m not happy about that as he doesn’t seem to love me at all. My room mate and I don’t see eye to eye on much of anything, So I’m pretty sure we won’t be living together much longer. We’re best friends, but living together just doesn’t seem like an option. I got to help a couple Japanese girls use a phone in America for the first time, the payphone wouldn’t work, So I handed them my iPhone. The number their supposed ride gave them doesn’t seem to work and I feel bad for them being abandoned here in America by someone. I told them they could download Skype on their phone and use Skype over Wifi to call their friend since they needed to find another method of contact. I do feel genuinely bad for them. Ahh well. Only 4 more hours until I board my train! I’ll go outside and chain smoke since I got a bit of a surface charge on my devices. On the bright side right after I hit publish, the girls came over to ask me a question to translate the sentence for them, and their friend called back. I guess it was the right number after all.